Is it my fault?

Before I adopted I had a successful career. I would like to think I was well respected and pretty good at what I did. That involved dealing with many other senior professionals in different fields. That was easy, even enjoyable, for me.

So how is it that now I am unable to successfully advocate for my children? How is it that I find parenting them so hard?

Is it me? Am I lacking in resilience? If the girls were with someone else would they have got the help they need by now? Or even worse – if they were with someone else would they not need any help or support?


Is it all my fault?

I’m managing to deal with the girls’ school – that’s exhausting in itself; trying to ensure they consider the girls’ needs when they plan lessons/activities without alienating staff. Not easy when eldest’s teacher rolls his eyes every time I mention that she is struggling. And now trying to gently lead them to a decent plan for transition into the next school year; trying not to tread on toes whilst achieving the best outcome for the girls.

I’m managing to speak to the GP to get a couple of physical issues dealt with for my youngest. He is at least listening and has made referrals for her.

But for the rest – I’ve walked away for now. I’m relieved to have CAMHS out of our lives. I feel sick when I get a letter or email from the placing authority. How ridiculous is that?! I feel weak. I feel ashamed of how weak I am.

Once I was someone different. But this is who I have become…


12 thoughts on “Is it my fault?

  1. Brian Soector

    Fault should not be in your vocabulary. You are what more people should be like, and your girls could not be luckier to have such a wonderful mom as you.

  2. ctriestowrite

    Definitely NOT your ‘fault’. Sounds like you are doing a great job and you are fighting against a system which seems for some reason to not support our children. You seem to be doing the things you need to do and saving your energy and resources for when you need them. You should be saying well done not anything else.

  3. adoptmum

    I want to give you a huge restorative hug, a bottle of wine and some chocolates.

    Then listen carefully… This is absolutely not your fault. You did not give them their terrible start in life that resulted in them responding to situations in the way that they do.

    Neither is it your fault that the teacher is sooo rude that she rolls her eyes and does not want to continue her own education!

    To me, your post shows you are perceptive; schools are exhausting! They do need careful handling and you have spotted that, on top of identifying your girl’s needs. You also know when and where you have to step back. That’s part of self care. You can fight for everything all at once and you seem to recognise that.

    You are not alone (although I appreciate it can often feel like it) and that is why we blog and tweet and join together and some of us are campaigning higher than the teachers for more and better support.

    Please write yourself a note and put it on a mirror / the fridge / in your purse with words that reflect that you do good even in tough times.
    Hugs xx

  4. Swazi

    NO NO NO NO NO NO !!

    None of this is your fault.

    The fact that you are worried about all these things show how much you love your children and how amazing a parent you are.

    Yes it’s tough – most days I beat myself up for being ‘not good enough’ too.
    Look at your beautiful children and take a breath. They are safe and well because of what you do. They are loved and cared for because of you.

    You are more than enough – to your children you are everything.

    Chin up lovely xxx

    p.s. why is it so easy to say this to you, but not to myself ?

  5. hushabyemountainblog

    So with you here, and with all the lovely comments. You are doing an amazing job in a very hostile environment. I ask myself the same question, how did I manage multi-disciplinary teams and advise leading policy makers but now find myself feeling sick every time the phone rings and in tears after meetings. We are firefighting a broken system, and it is tough out there, far tougher than anything I have ever encountered. You are not weak, your feelings are strong and powerful and the right response to the difficult world we are in. Take care, and thank you for sharing what so many of us experience too.

  6. Mama Bear

    Not your fault!!! I’m great at my career, but I’ve struggled with so many different parts of parenting. It’s unfamiliar ground, and even more so when you add adoption into the mix. I would question anyone who feels they know what they’re doing all the time and never felt the way you do. Take care!

  7. Clairey

    Absolutely not! I can completely relate to how you are feeling. I go through the same emotions. It feels more like a bungee jump than a rollercoaster ride. You’re amazing. It’s tough going. But keep fighting. (((Hugs)))

  8. Gem

    You’re certainly not a failure. I can relate to much of what you’ve written. The thing is a job is generally logical. You have things to achieve and there are well defined parameters and methods to achieve those tasks. You have the resources at hand to do the task. Parenting traumatised children is like the job you turn up to that’s in an isolated office in the middle of nowhere. You drive for miles to get there only to realise that not only does the job have little or no resources available but when you ask for resources they’re either unavailable due to budgetary cuts or the management team don’t believe you that you need them. You may be told that they don’t have a problem doing the job so it must be your fault you can’t do the job. You try to be creative, working with the resources you have to hand but you soon run out of creative ideas and inspiration yet you drive everyday to the job trying to solve the problem and do the job feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and isolated clinging on to determination. There are times when you pull off a really good project and successfully pitch for more resources but these times seem to bring limited progress in your career and sometimes create more problems than it solves. You sometimes wonder if you’ve chosen the right career but a flame in your heart wants to succeed so you continue.

    This is the best analogy I can come up with to say you’re not a failure. You’re fighting in an under-resourced system that isn’t set up for traumatised children and only understands recognised mental health labels.

    Are you ever tempted to roll your eyes back at the teacher? I know I am when I’m told how the problems are really only at home…..yet I can see they’re not. Sending love to you. You’re doing a great job Xxx


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