Monthly Archives: November 2015

Guilty as charged

I fight hard for my eldest daughter. I battle with professionals to get her what she needs. I take her out on day trips with her younger sister and we all have fun and make good memories. I go up to her room at bedtime to chat to her about the good things from our day and then tell her I love her and kiss her goodnight.

I use PACE a lot. I’m pretty good at wondering with her about what is going on under the surface; what’s driving her behaviour. I plan activities, structure our home lives etc. I try to parent her in the very best way possible.

At the moment I’m doing an attachment parenting course. Last week the psychologist running the course asked me if I thought the emotional connection was there for me. It was asked in a supportive way. Not in any way to criticise. And I answered truthfully.

Rejection1

How does a parent remain emotionally engaged after 4 years of rejection?

I’m sure there are parents who do. I try. I try very hard. But I guess if I’m honest then the answer is probably no.

I’ve thought about this all week. I do know that the fact she isn’t able to love me still makes me cry. So there must be something there.

I hope and pray she doesn’t know how much I struggle with this. I’m guessing the professionals would say that she must know.

What does this make me? Human? A failure? Unworthy?

I don’t know

 

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In Praise of an Attachment Aware School

Slowly but surely I feel my girls’ school are beginning to understand them. Things are going pretty well this year!

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Though it is such an individual thing, I have thought about the top 5 things that have made a difference to us as a family.

1.The number one for me has to be an excellent Senco (Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator) that respects me as a knowledgeable parent, listens to me and works with me. If I make a suggestion she trusts that I’m doing it for the best of reasons. She welcomes me into the school to support the girls for trips or activities they may find too challenging. And agrees that we are all on a journey to learn how to help the girls and we need to do this together.

2. All school staff also had training in developmental trauma and attachment from an outside provider last year and I feel this has made a huge difference for obvious reasons.

3. Communication scores highly for me. Each day I drop each child with their own key worker and each afternoon I collect them from the same people. This way we can communicate about what has happened at home or during the school day. That regular open sharing of information is so important. Once again because I know the school support me as a parent I can discuss our home life without being blamed for the girls’ difficult behaviour and I have the same blame-free approach to the teachers. On days when I can’t do the school run there is a home school communication book so we are all on the same page.

4. Personalised approaches to the girls’ needs are critical. My youngest is overt in her need for support. She has her box of sensory items in the classroom and she has free access to them. She uses the LSA for emotional support, whether it’s holding her hand, sitting next to her or on her knee. And if she doesn’t feel able to do something she feels safe enough to say so. Unfortunately my oldest girl is still not able to express any of her needs yet. This makes supporting her very difficult. However her teachers try their best by ensuring she is sitting near them and with her back to the wall and they try to stick to a firm schedule of activities so things are predictable. They are working hard to raise her poor self esteem with a caring patient and positive approach. However she needs to know they are firmly in charge if she is to feel safe – it’s a difficult balancing act!

5. Neither of my girls are subject to the school behaviour system. Put simply, traffic lights, smiley/sad faces or sunshine/clouds are never going to help my girls modify their behaviour, so they are not used. I know many schools are resistant to accepting this so I’m pretty relieved this is one battle I’ve never had to have at this school.

Things still go wrong sometimes.Both children have had changes to their routines sprung on them this year and of course the tremendous fall out is always saved for home. The difference is now I feel I am believed when I explain what has happened and staff try to learn from it. My eldest girl often comes out of school dysregulated and it is virtually impossible to help her calm down once she has got to that point. This is something I know I need to discuss further with school but I don’t think there is an easy solution with my tricky big girl.

I guess the thing that strikes me is that the most important things for us don’t cost money; trust, knowledge, communication, flexibility, care, support, empathy….they’re all free!