I haven’t blogged for a while. Perhaps I am worried about being judged by people or maybe it’s that I don’t want to admit that I’m not coping. And maybe I’m a bit ashamed that I can’t find anything postive to blog about when others in similar circumstamces can.
I’m usually ok if I only think about the day or week ahead. But recently I’ve been trying to decide what I’m going to do long term to get help for the girls. Kitten has a RAD diagnosis. The CAMHS consultant said she is probably on the autistic spectrum but as she’s not 100% sure she’s not going to diagnose her. Bunny is being assessed by CAMHS at the moment but has no diagnosis and no-one is saying too much about her, especially as she acts in not out at school, if anything disassociating or shutting down when things get too much. Her CAMHS keyworker mentioned ASD a lot but her consultant wasn’t convinced. Referrals are in to the OT but the waiting list is long. Both my girls struggle with school daily. They have lovely supportive teachers who listen to me and do their best to implement suggestions I make but the school is not prepared to put extra support in place and the only word I can think of to describe the Senco is dismissive.
So…I have to decide do I pursue diagnosis elsewhere to see if indeed the girls are on the autistic spectrum or do I go to a specialist provision such as Family Futures or Chrysalis, or should I see a private OT as the waiting list is so long or maybe it’s best to persist with CAMHS? And also do I try for a EHC plan even though school will never support it? Most of these depend on me getting funding from the placing authority. I feel overwhelmed. It’s too big a decision, no-one else can really help me decide and I’m confused. So at the moment I’m doing nothing.
The result of doing nothing is I guess I am despairing. Because while I am doing nothing, nothing is improving and in fact things have deterioriated yet again. Which in my house is saying something!
Adopters sometimes talk about micro-moments; little glimmers of hope to treasure when times are hard. But there have been some micro-moments recently that have had the opposite effect. They are such tiny incidents in our lives but they have had a big impact on me.
Bunny had a supply teacher one day at school and it had obviously unsettled her. She spent every second between collecting her from school and bedtime on my knee. I couldn’t even go to the toilet. When I tried to get up Bunny looked into my eyes and said Be careful Mummy because I might get a knife and stab you or I might cut you into pieces. I am used to her hitting, kicking and spitting at me mid-meltdown but this was in a moment of calm and it felt very different.
A recent micro-moment with Kitten was when she fell at school and hurt herself quite badly. At home I asked her Did you want mummy when it happened? And she answered No I had forgotten about you. She meant it. I know it’s not her fault but it still hurts to hear that from your child. Her anxiety seems to be getting worse and her stimming is consequently very severe. She is constantly twitching, rocking, murmuring, blinking, throat clearing, chewing, humming, rolling etc.
So here I sit paralysed by indecision, trying and often failing to keep my children from harming themselves, each other and me until I can get myself together enough to decide what to do for the best. I know I can’t put it off forever. But I am confused. And I am despairing.