I fight hard for my eldest daughter. I battle with professionals to get her what she needs. I take her out on day trips with her younger sister and we all have fun and make good memories. I go up to her room at bedtime to chat to her about the good things from our day and then tell her I love her and kiss her goodnight.
I use PACE a lot. I’m pretty good at wondering with her about what is going on under the surface; what’s driving her behaviour. I plan activities, structure our home lives etc. I try to parent her in the very best way possible.
At the moment I’m doing an attachment parenting course. Last week the psychologist running the course asked me if I thought the emotional connection was there for me. It was asked in a supportive way. Not in any way to criticise. And I answered truthfully.
How does a parent remain emotionally engaged after 4 years of rejection?
I’m sure there are parents who do. I try. I try very hard. But I guess if I’m honest then the answer is probably no.
I’ve thought about this all week. I do know that the fact she isn’t able to love me still makes me cry. So there must be something there.
I hope and pray she doesn’t know how much I struggle with this. I’m guessing the professionals would say that she must know.
What does this make me? Human? A failure? Unworthy?
I don’t know