Confused and Despairing

I haven’t blogged for a while. Perhaps I am worried about being judged by people or maybe it’s that I don’t want to admit that I’m not coping.  And maybe I’m a bit ashamed that I can’t find anything postive to blog about when others in similar circumstamces can.

I’m usually ok if I only think about the day or week ahead. But recently I’ve been trying to decide what I’m going to do long term to get help for the girls. Kitten has a RAD diagnosis. The CAMHS consultant said she is probably on the autistic spectrum but as she’s not 100% sure she’s not going to diagnose her. Bunny is being assessed by CAMHS at the moment but has no diagnosis and no-one is saying too much about her, especially as she acts in not out at school, if anything disassociating or shutting down when things get too much. Her CAMHS keyworker mentioned ASD a lot but her consultant wasn’t convinced. Referrals are in to the OT but the waiting list is long. Both my girls struggle with school daily. They have lovely supportive teachers who listen to me and do their best to implement suggestions I make but the school is not prepared to put extra support in place and the only word I can think of to describe the Senco is dismissive.

So…I have to decide do I pursue diagnosis elsewhere to see if indeed the girls are on the autistic spectrum or do I go to a specialist provision such as Family Futures or Chrysalis, or should I see a private OT as the waiting list is so long or maybe it’s best to persist with CAMHS? And also do I try for a EHC plan even though school will never support it? Most of these depend on me getting funding from the placing authority. I feel overwhelmed. It’s too big a decision, no-one else can really help me decide and I’m confused. So at the moment I’m doing nothing.

The result of doing nothing is I guess I am despairing. Because while I am doing nothing, nothing is improving and in fact things have deterioriated yet again. Which in my house is saying something!

Adopters sometimes talk about micro-moments; little glimmers of hope to treasure when times are hard.  But there have been some micro-moments recently that have had the opposite effect. They are such tiny incidents in our lives but they have had a big impact on me.

Bunny had a supply teacher one day at school and it had obviously unsettled her. She spent every second between collecting her from school and bedtime on my knee. I couldn’t even go to the toilet. When I tried to get up Bunny looked into my eyes and said Be careful Mummy because I might get a knife and stab you or I might cut you into pieces. I am used to her hitting, kicking and spitting at me mid-meltdown but this was in a moment of calm and it felt very different.

A recent micro-moment with Kitten was when she fell at school and hurt herself quite badly. At home I asked her Did you want mummy when it happened? And she answered No I had forgotten about you. She meant it. I know it’s not her fault but it still hurts to hear that from your child. Her anxiety seems to be getting worse and her stimming is consequently very severe. She is constantly twitching, rocking, murmuring, blinking, throat clearing, chewing, humming, rolling etc.

So here I sit paralysed by indecision, trying and often failing to keep my children from harming themselves, each other and me until I can get myself together enough to decide what to do for the best. I know I can’t put it off forever. But I am confused. And I am despairing.


18 thoughts on “Confused and Despairing

  1. ThreeBecomeFour

    My heart just breaks reading your confusion and despair. I have another frind in a similar situation and I know it takes everything, and more, out of her each wonder you don’t know which way to turn. You need someone to help make the plan, not have to be the leader all the time. Do you all have a CAF in place? A CAF would at least bring about a lead professional who coordinates your support and liaises with all the other professionals.

    I know my friend found it very chilling when her child said much the same thing to her. It must be very scary, even if you rationalise all the attachment theory to the statement. All I can say is don’t suffer in silence. Thank you for bravely blogging about what is happening. You are not alone. If you’re on Facebook PM me your name via Twitter and I’ll add you to a very supportive group of adopters, if you’re not on there already. All our real names and pseudonyms confuse my poor brain. I’m @threebecomefour on Twitter or you can email me at Hang in there. Gem xxxx

    1. Mamaoftwo Post author

      The placing authority suggested a CAF and pushed for one for the very reasons you said; so someone else was coordinating everything for us and holding all the professionals accountable. But the local LA have said we don’t meet the criteria! I may well already be in the FB group you mention but I’ll DM you to check. Thanks for your support xx

  2. thefamilyof5

    I so know this feeling, I know I have MrFO5 to talk about things with a decide with, but honestly he usually just replies with ‘I don’t know’ so pretty useless anyway.

    I find doing nothing is usually best, I find once I remove that pressure to ‘decide’, I become more able to think, and decide.

    Hugs xx

  3. frogotter

    Sorry to hear this.
    Hopefully having a place to share your feelings helps a little. Please don’t feel guilty about not feeling positive.
    What you’re doing is incredibly hard and very important. There should be better support, but realistically it’s all about the luck of the draw. Here’s hoping you’re dealt a brilliant support hand soon!

  4. Fiona Ferguson

    Gosh your post took me back .I know that feeling of being at desperation point and your situation sounds so similar to what we went through .I am not going to give you any crap ,like it will get better .Or all kids are like that ! Or even your own kids play up sometime .! Because you have experienced RAD at full force ,nothing anybody says helps .So all I can do is send you a huge virtual cuddle and assure you I feel your pain xxx

  5. Lindsay

    Thank you for sharing…I know it sometimes seems like nobody else is in the same despairing place, but looks are deceiving;)
    LIke Fiona, nobody can tell you it will get better or all kids are like that or any other advice that will make it easier. We know that parenting these kids is so incredibly hard. All I can say is don’t go through this alone. I have found a lot of comfort and love and support in The Adoption Social and through blogging and social media. It seems silly sometimes because we all don’t really know each other, but it’s amazing what it can do for a girl. If you need anything, even just to vent, like Gem, I’m here. I’m greystlindsay on Twitter or email me
    Take care,

    1. Mamaoftwo Post author

      Thanks I think you’re right. I have a tendency to shut down at the lowest points whch is silly really as those are the times I really need everyone’s support x

  6. Suddenly Mummy (@suddenly_mummy)

    I know how it is to have nobody else in the house, to have to be responsible for every decision, everything. Sometimes going over and over things in your head can be paralysing. I know that sometimes people’s other halves aren’t always that helpful, but still they are a sounding board and a sounding board can be a very useful thing. So keep on blogging – let us be your sounding board. Sometimes just saying it all ‘out loud’ in an organised way helps the pieces to fall into place in our own minds. We can’t help you with your decisions, unfortunately, because only you know for real what is going on and what your children need, so only you can decide. But we can listen while you rant, share, go over your options and vent. And we will be glad to do that. As others have said, do be in contact if you think it would help. I’m on fb with the same pseudonym. Single parenthood is harder than anybody knows, and I think it’s the overwhelming sense of sole responsibility that is the hardest, so do not feel bad for feeling this way.

  7. MoandBro

    We’ll done for posting. Keep on posting, too, so we can all help. Have you had an ‘assessment of need’ from your local authority? And have you applied for DLA and carers’ allowance – although not all about finances, by a long way, it might help ease things? A local disability charity can help complete forms in right way to ensure positive outcome. Hang in there, keep on blogging. 🌻

    1. Mamaoftwo Post author

      Thanks for your support. Both girls get DLA. We’ve had an assessment of need and PAS rushed through a fairly generous allowance for us. You’re right about finances – it’s one less thing to worry about! I’m still working part time but I actually really enjoy my job. It’s a break for me. (Sad but true)

  8. underbrella

    So sorry you are having such a tough time. Being a lone parent is hard at the best of times, I can’t begin to imagine how tough it is to be parenting your hurt and complicated girls on your own. I certainly don’t feel anything other than admiration and compassion for you and your family .. No judgement coming from me for expressing the reality that you are living. Big virtual hugs. I will keep on ‘listening’.

  9. Amanda Boorman

    You are not alone in these feelings and I know that doesn’t help solve the day to day stress and worry. I recognise many of the feelings you describe. We had an assessment at Family Futures. It’s not cheap but it was worth it to have a document and support that accurately reflected our experience. (They also have a families in crisis fund that you may be able to access? ) We then used this document to help inform others who worked with us. As my daughter is now passed 18 I also wanted to say that although slow, great and meaningful progress has been made and we truly are best friends. I think the key is to get as much “me” time as you can in the circumstances. Don’t let your understandable fears for the future overwhelm you ( easy to say I know!) Your consistent parenting and concern is gold dust to your girls. Sending you love xxx

  10. izzwizz

    I also want you to know that you are not alone. I am a single adopter too, but of one, and I haven’t had things as hard as you but I do know how it can be very hard. If you want to talk with someone who is out of it, please do not ever hesitate to contact me, any time. I won’t say that things will necessarily get better, but things do change, sometimes quite quickly, especially as they get older and that might be for the better. Also sending you love x x

  11. Chris

    Just wanted to add my voice to the rest of the support here. We have some difficult times with our children but not as hard as what you’re describing, & there are 2 of us to handle it.

    Hoping you find that things do improve as time goes on & that you’re able to look after yourself.


  12. honeymummy

    I don’t think I can add anything else to the already fantastic advice you havr been given but will send you a huge {{{{{{hug}}}}}} because you are a fantastic mum and doing a great job (I know it is hard to see that sometimes) .

  13. Karen Parrott

    It breaks my heart reading this as I speak to you every day and you never tell me any of this I feel helpless to, im here and wished I could do more hugs hugs hugs xxxx


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